Life on Pause

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got a phone call from the Gender Clinic at Charing Cross to tell me my appointment that should have been next Friday was being canceled. The appointment that I’d regarded as a key milestone along my long journey to completing my transition.

For nearly seven months since my first appointment I’d been counting the days. I had it all planned: deciding what I’d wear for different weather conditions; picturing every step of the route from door to door; working on losing weight to get my BMI below the magic 30. It was a goal and I was so motivated to work towards it.

And then I got that phone call and had it all snatched away from me. In seconds my plans evaporated leaving me directionless, crestfallen, falling as the ground beneath my feet disappeared in an instant.

For now my life feels on hold: I’m just marking time until I receive the letter with a new date. I’ve felt anger (how dare that doctor suddenly become unavailable to see me!), sadness, despair, and finally this numb emptiness. For now I can only wait.